Growth

 This morning I really stepped out of my comfort zone with some help from my sister my mom. I have said before that I struggle in new situations so I will always try my best to avoid placing myself in one. However, yesterday, I decided to take a leap of faith and join a beginner/intermediate street jazz workshop. It may not seem like anything much but I have been dreaming of joining such masterclasses and workshops since the start of COVID 19. Because of COVID, many masterclasses and workshops became online, which meant that even though it is taught overseas, I can learn from the very comfort of my home. It also meant learning new styles and more exposure. But the BIG problem would be that I am learning from someone I don't know, with people I don't know, doing a style that I don't know. Sound familiar? Yea, so I waited a whole year to finally pluck up the courage to even think of joining. I asked my mom and she thought it was a good idea but said it was up to me. I asked my sis and she said to just do it. So I applied. 

Let me tell you that I do not regret it one bit. I woke up at 1.30am and enjoyed every bit of it. My dancer's heart was so full last night when I finally went to bed at 4am. I am also super grateful that even though I know that beginner/intermediate level is technically a bit too "easy" for me, it gave me the chance to enjoy myself and not worry. The teacher was so super sweet and the class was small enough for me not to feel conscious. And I really have to thank the Lord for that. Without Him watching over me and providing for my needs, I don't know if I would have survived this morning. So really, the Lord has enabled me to grow and at a pace He knows I can manage.

Goodbye For Now...

 

Today my bunny, Marshie, passed away and I didn't know how to deal with it. She was 9 years and 7 months old, a ripe old age for a bunny, and she had been ill for the last 3 weeks so it shouldn't have been a surprise. But still, when my sister realized something was wrong I was offended and didn't want to believe her. I just pushed it away and said that Marshie was just being naughty as usual when taking her meds. But a few short minutes later she took her last breaths as my mother stroked her. I honestly didn't know what to do with myself or how to feel. I didn't want to look at her knowing that she was no longer there. Instead, I distracted myself with youtube and sewing. Inside I was sad but at the same time, didn't want to believe it. Because if I didn't see it, it wasn't real. I realized that I did the same thing when my grandfather passed away a few years back, I refused to see him in his casket and pretended that everything was just a dream. 

Sometimes, I don't know how I should feel or react, in this situation, especially because I know that they didn't have to suffer anymore and are in a better place. But at the same time, I still want to believe that it didn't happen. I haven't quite gotten the closure that I need but, goodbye for now Marshie. I will see you again.

Pressure

 I always thought that those who were good at anything never had any stress or pressure. Like those who are at the top of the class or the head prefect, those kinds of people. I always thought that those who struggled to do well in their studies or struggled to possess "good qualities" had the most pressure and stress. Because that was where I was since young. I always dreamed of being "smart" or top in something. I always longed to be a student leader. But I could not even cope with spelling the simplest of words. It felt like being "dumb" was the greatest pressure in the world.

But now, I am about to graduate from Polytechnic. I have been doing far better than I could have ever imagined. I am about to be the Gold medalist for my cohort and valedictorian, and I am going to be nominated for the Lee Kuan Yew award. It sounds so great and I am so grateful and honestly so blessed. But, doing well the past 3 years has been the most stressful and pressurizing years. Doing well in year 1.1 and getting a scholarship meant that I had to continue well and honestly, it felt like if my grades dropped in any of the subsequent years, I would disappoint not only my parents but also many lectures. Doing well made me feel like if  I made a single mistake the whole world will be disappointed in me and that I would have failed them. But I did not, I have made it. Managed to get the Gold medal and maintained my GPA and received 2 more scholarships in the process.

But now, once again the pressure has built because I am being counted on to give the valedictorian speech during the graduation ceremony and I don't think that I am going to be able to meet such a high standard. On top of that, I am being nominated for the Lee Kuan Yew award and the school for engineering is counting on the students being nominated to receive such an honour for the school. To be frank, I don't have great interview skills, I don't see how I will be able to receive such a highly prestigious award. I just don't see how I will be good enough, how a girl who couldn't read or spell, an outcast is good enough and I don't want to let anyone down. Especially myself. 

Just yesterday, I wished I knew what it would have been like if I was not top if I was just an average student. Would I have experienced less pressure? The grass always looks greener on the other side.     Honestly, I don't think so. I think where ever you are you will face some sort of stress and pressure. I just need to be less hard on myself and ask "Why did God place me in this situation? Is He trying to teach me something?". I am finding that it is not always easy to not be hard on yourself, but I have learnt that sometimes you have to give yourself some space to grow. 

Me a Teacher?

As I mentioned before, I dance. Kind of a lot. Sometimes during my school holidays, my dance teacher will get me to help her out with some of the classes. I never looked at myself as a teacher, or even being capable of teaching anyone anything. I looked at myself as more of a helper. But, as today was teachers' day, I myself gave my dance teachers presents but I was surprised to receive. As I never looked at myself that way, I was shocked but I need to learn to give myself more credit and look at what I have accomplished, even with special needs, and own it.
 

Progress

I normally do not like talking to strangers and certain foods. As I have mentioned in my previous post, Into The Unknown, that I do not like talking to strangers. Mainly because it means new voices, accents, questions, smells and so on. I can hold rehearsed conversations such as buying my own food because I am always behind a counter and do not have to look at whoever. Just having to say the food I wanted off the menu, take away or eat in and thank you, hence, rehearsed. But, if it is not rehearsed I would prefer not to speak to anyone I am not familiar with. Food on the other hand, I have yet to mention. For me, I am sensitive to certain tastes and textures of foods. I do not like any berries because of the possibility of it being sour when I am expecting sweet. So I refuse to eat it. Tomatoes, bean sprouts and many other vegetables have a metallic taste to me and tomatoes have a texture which is just unpleasant. Yet, I love Brussel sprouts, spinach and others so I am not just trying to avoid vegetables. 

However, recently I have been challenging myself to try and step out on my little bubble. My first big step was when I decided to go to the gym for the first time by myself. There were new treadmills and I did not know how to use it. I contemplated just leaving but decided to try and ask for help. My first attempt I kind of just froze and the guy just walked away shaking his head. Then I tried again, this time asking an older woman for help. I got a few words out and I am really please, they were "How do I use the treadmill?" and "Thanks". It does not seem like much, but those 7 words were a huge win as it was not a rehearsed conversation. The second thing I did was to try and eat a strawberry. I saw someone suggest online to eat strawberries with cream cheese and it tastes like strawberry cheesecake which is always sweet. So, I tried it out and loved it. 

Sometimes things that may seem like nothing to others may be the biggest improvement you have been able to make. I have seen that for myself and the progress I have been making and am pleased that I have been able to sneak a toe out of my bubble. Now to slowly work on it more.

His Perfect Plan

Over the last 16 weeks, I have been doing an internship. As I have mentioned before, I have Asperger's Syndrome. I struggle in new situations, new people, new environment, anything different from the norm and it takes me a while to become comfortable, sometimes a few months sometimes years. When I was preparing for my internship, I worried daily and had built up anxiety as the day drew closer. But due to Covid-19, at that point in time, having to go into the office and working from home was bi-weekly. This meant that I only had to go to the office for 8 weeks now. At this point, I was really pleased and thankful that the time frame had worked out so well.

The first week of working from home, went not too bad as I could work from home and only had to communicate with my supervisor. This meant that it was fewer "new" things to get used to. After this first week, the spread of Covid-19 worsened, thus Singapore went into Circuit Breaker. This meant that week 2, Tuesday onwards was fully work from home for 2 months. Which was then extended to 3 months. Basically, all in all, I mainly worked from home and only went to the office for a total of 10 days and out of that, I only had to work 2 full days. 

Most people would think this is a disadvantage and that you will not really get a full experience of the internship. But to be very honest, I prayed real hard for some kind of leeway, either for me to totally be anxiety-free or for great guidance from the Lord. The Lord knew my struggles and heard my prayers. This version of internship was the best scenario for me to learn in, as I could be in the safe environment of my home and learnt a lot with a few new things introduced slowly.  In the beginning, I honestly thought that it was just a coincidence, but I know that the Lord used a bad situation, Covid-19, for a positive and that His plans are truly perfect.

Imperfection

I just watched a Netflix movie called Feel the Beat starring Sofia Carson, Wolfgang Novogratz and Donna Lynne Champlin. Basically, it is about a self-centred dancer who reluctantly returns home and agrees to coach a squad of young misfits for a big competition after blowing a Broadway audition. I wanted to watch this for 2 simple reasons. 1, is that the lead role was played by Sofia Carson. And 2, is that it was a movie about dance. Little did I know that I would take away so much from this movie.

I took away that I do not have to be perfect. In the world of dance and in life, many people around us, be it teachers or parents or friends or even sometimes ourself expects us to be perfect. To produce perfect grades, to look perfect and to just be the best. But the truth is that no one is perfect and our quirks and imperfections make each and every one of us unique. This is something my mother will always try to instil in us since my siblings and I were younger and to be honest, it is a hard thing to remember. Especially in a world where comparison and competition is encouraged. Sometimes it is also hard when you know that you have put in more than 100% in something yet it is considered not perfect. Instead, we should not aim to be perfect or the best of the group but to be the best us. To reach our best and to put in our 100% in whatever we do without putting others down.