Growth

 This morning I really stepped out of my comfort zone with some help from my sister my mom. I have said before that I struggle in new situations so I will always try my best to avoid placing myself in one. However, yesterday, I decided to take a leap of faith and join a beginner/intermediate street jazz workshop. It may not seem like anything much but I have been dreaming of joining such masterclasses and workshops since the start of COVID 19. Because of COVID, many masterclasses and workshops became online, which meant that even though it is taught overseas, I can learn from the very comfort of my home. It also meant learning new styles and more exposure. But the BIG problem would be that I am learning from someone I don't know, with people I don't know, doing a style that I don't know. Sound familiar? Yea, so I waited a whole year to finally pluck up the courage to even think of joining. I asked my mom and she thought it was a good idea but said it was up to me. I asked my sis and she said to just do it. So I applied. 

Let me tell you that I do not regret it one bit. I woke up at 1.30am and enjoyed every bit of it. My dancer's heart was so full last night when I finally went to bed at 4am. I am also super grateful that even though I know that beginner/intermediate level is technically a bit too "easy" for me, it gave me the chance to enjoy myself and not worry. The teacher was so super sweet and the class was small enough for me not to feel conscious. And I really have to thank the Lord for that. Without Him watching over me and providing for my needs, I don't know if I would have survived this morning. So really, the Lord has enabled me to grow and at a pace He knows I can manage.

Pressure

 I always thought that those who were good at anything never had any stress or pressure. Like those who are at the top of the class or the head prefect, those kinds of people. I always thought that those who struggled to do well in their studies or struggled to possess "good qualities" had the most pressure and stress. Because that was where I was since young. I always dreamed of being "smart" or top in something. I always longed to be a student leader. But I could not even cope with spelling the simplest of words. It felt like being "dumb" was the greatest pressure in the world.

But now, I am about to graduate from Polytechnic. I have been doing far better than I could have ever imagined. I am about to be the Gold medalist for my cohort and valedictorian, and I am going to be nominated for the Lee Kuan Yew award. It sounds so great and I am so grateful and honestly so blessed. But, doing well the past 3 years has been the most stressful and pressurizing years. Doing well in year 1.1 and getting a scholarship meant that I had to continue well and honestly, it felt like if my grades dropped in any of the subsequent years, I would disappoint not only my parents but also many lectures. Doing well made me feel like if  I made a single mistake the whole world will be disappointed in me and that I would have failed them. But I did not, I have made it. Managed to get the Gold medal and maintained my GPA and received 2 more scholarships in the process.

But now, once again the pressure has built because I am being counted on to give the valedictorian speech during the graduation ceremony and I don't think that I am going to be able to meet such a high standard. On top of that, I am being nominated for the Lee Kuan Yew award and the school for engineering is counting on the students being nominated to receive such an honour for the school. To be frank, I don't have great interview skills, I don't see how I will be able to receive such a highly prestigious award. I just don't see how I will be good enough, how a girl who couldn't read or spell, an outcast is good enough and I don't want to let anyone down. Especially myself. 

Just yesterday, I wished I knew what it would have been like if I was not top if I was just an average student. Would I have experienced less pressure? The grass always looks greener on the other side.     Honestly, I don't think so. I think where ever you are you will face some sort of stress and pressure. I just need to be less hard on myself and ask "Why did God place me in this situation? Is He trying to teach me something?". I am finding that it is not always easy to not be hard on yourself, but I have learnt that sometimes you have to give yourself some space to grow. 

His Perfect Plan

Over the last 16 weeks, I have been doing an internship. As I have mentioned before, I have Asperger's Syndrome. I struggle in new situations, new people, new environment, anything different from the norm and it takes me a while to become comfortable, sometimes a few months sometimes years. When I was preparing for my internship, I worried daily and had built up anxiety as the day drew closer. But due to Covid-19, at that point in time, having to go into the office and working from home was bi-weekly. This meant that I only had to go to the office for 8 weeks now. At this point, I was really pleased and thankful that the time frame had worked out so well.

The first week of working from home, went not too bad as I could work from home and only had to communicate with my supervisor. This meant that it was fewer "new" things to get used to. After this first week, the spread of Covid-19 worsened, thus Singapore went into Circuit Breaker. This meant that week 2, Tuesday onwards was fully work from home for 2 months. Which was then extended to 3 months. Basically, all in all, I mainly worked from home and only went to the office for a total of 10 days and out of that, I only had to work 2 full days. 

Most people would think this is a disadvantage and that you will not really get a full experience of the internship. But to be very honest, I prayed real hard for some kind of leeway, either for me to totally be anxiety-free or for great guidance from the Lord. The Lord knew my struggles and heard my prayers. This version of internship was the best scenario for me to learn in, as I could be in the safe environment of my home and learnt a lot with a few new things introduced slowly.  In the beginning, I honestly thought that it was just a coincidence, but I know that the Lord used a bad situation, Covid-19, for a positive and that His plans are truly perfect.

The Lord Shows

I usually pick a song to sing and just dwell in the Lord's presence and to set my mind straight. Today, like any other day, I chose a song. The song was Nothing else by Cody Carnes, one of my favourites. Then I went on to do my devotional, and at the last part, there are some words to reflect upon and it said " It is really easy to get bogged down in life and forget how grateful you should be to God. Take time to notice all He does for you. Don't expect His blessings. Thank Him from the depths of your heart.". It felt like God was sending me a personalised message because the song that I just sang goes like this:

I'm caught up in Your presence
I just want to sit here at Your feet
I'm caught up in this holy moment
I never want to leave

Oh, I'm not here for blessings
Jesus, You don't owe me anything
More than anything that You can do
I just want You

I'm sorry when I've just gone through the motions
I'm sorry when I just sang another song
Take me back to where we started
I open up my heart to You

I'm sorry when I've come with my agenda
I'm sorry when I forgot that You're enough
Take me back to where we started
I open up my heart to You

God works in mysterious ways and He has been using songs to reach out to me. It really is amazing and I cannot wait to see what He has planned for me. Thank you Lord!