I always thought that those who were good at anything never had any stress or pressure. Like those who are at the top of the class or the head prefect, those kinds of people. I always thought that those who struggled to do well in their studies or struggled to possess "good qualities" had the most pressure and stress. Because that was where I was since young. I always dreamed of being "smart" or top in something. I always longed to be a student leader. But I could not even cope with spelling the simplest of words. It felt like being "dumb" was the greatest pressure in the world.
But now, I am about to graduate from Polytechnic. I have been doing far better than I could have ever imagined. I am about to be the Gold medalist for my cohort and valedictorian, and I am going to be nominated for the Lee Kuan Yew award. It sounds so great and I am so grateful and honestly so blessed. But, doing well the past 3 years has been the most stressful and pressurizing years. Doing well in year 1.1 and getting a scholarship meant that I had to continue well and honestly, it felt like if my grades dropped in any of the subsequent years, I would disappoint not only my parents but also many lectures. Doing well made me feel like if I made a single mistake the whole world will be disappointed in me and that I would have failed them. But I did not, I have made it. Managed to get the Gold medal and maintained my GPA and received 2 more scholarships in the process.
But now, once again the pressure has built because I am being counted on to give the valedictorian speech during the graduation ceremony and I don't think that I am going to be able to meet such a high standard. On top of that, I am being nominated for the Lee Kuan Yew award and the school for engineering is counting on the students being nominated to receive such an honour for the school. To be frank, I don't have great interview skills, I don't see how I will be able to receive such a highly prestigious award. I just don't see how I will be good enough, how a girl who couldn't read or spell, an outcast is good enough and I don't want to let anyone down. Especially myself.
Just yesterday, I wished I knew what it would have been like if I was not top if I was just an average student. Would I have experienced less pressure? The grass always looks greener on the other side. Honestly, I don't think so. I think where ever you are you will face some sort of stress and pressure. I just need to be less hard on myself and ask "Why did God place me in this situation? Is He trying to teach me something?". I am finding that it is not always easy to not be hard on yourself, but I have learnt that sometimes you have to give yourself some space to grow.