Me a Teacher?

As I mentioned before, I dance. Kind of a lot. Sometimes during my school holidays, my dance teacher will get me to help her out with some of the classes. I never looked at myself as a teacher, or even being capable of teaching anyone anything. I looked at myself as more of a helper. But, as today was teachers' day, I myself gave my dance teachers presents but I was surprised to receive. As I never looked at myself that way, I was shocked but I need to learn to give myself more credit and look at what I have accomplished, even with special needs, and own it.
 

Progress

I normally do not like talking to strangers and certain foods. As I have mentioned in my previous post, Into The Unknown, that I do not like talking to strangers. Mainly because it means new voices, accents, questions, smells and so on. I can hold rehearsed conversations such as buying my own food because I am always behind a counter and do not have to look at whoever. Just having to say the food I wanted off the menu, take away or eat in and thank you, hence, rehearsed. But, if it is not rehearsed I would prefer not to speak to anyone I am not familiar with. Food on the other hand, I have yet to mention. For me, I am sensitive to certain tastes and textures of foods. I do not like any berries because of the possibility of it being sour when I am expecting sweet. So I refuse to eat it. Tomatoes, bean sprouts and many other vegetables have a metallic taste to me and tomatoes have a texture which is just unpleasant. Yet, I love Brussel sprouts, spinach and others so I am not just trying to avoid vegetables. 

However, recently I have been challenging myself to try and step out on my little bubble. My first big step was when I decided to go to the gym for the first time by myself. There were new treadmills and I did not know how to use it. I contemplated just leaving but decided to try and ask for help. My first attempt I kind of just froze and the guy just walked away shaking his head. Then I tried again, this time asking an older woman for help. I got a few words out and I am really please, they were "How do I use the treadmill?" and "Thanks". It does not seem like much, but those 7 words were a huge win as it was not a rehearsed conversation. The second thing I did was to try and eat a strawberry. I saw someone suggest online to eat strawberries with cream cheese and it tastes like strawberry cheesecake which is always sweet. So, I tried it out and loved it. 

Sometimes things that may seem like nothing to others may be the biggest improvement you have been able to make. I have seen that for myself and the progress I have been making and am pleased that I have been able to sneak a toe out of my bubble. Now to slowly work on it more.

His Perfect Plan

Over the last 16 weeks, I have been doing an internship. As I have mentioned before, I have Asperger's Syndrome. I struggle in new situations, new people, new environment, anything different from the norm and it takes me a while to become comfortable, sometimes a few months sometimes years. When I was preparing for my internship, I worried daily and had built up anxiety as the day drew closer. But due to Covid-19, at that point in time, having to go into the office and working from home was bi-weekly. This meant that I only had to go to the office for 8 weeks now. At this point, I was really pleased and thankful that the time frame had worked out so well.

The first week of working from home, went not too bad as I could work from home and only had to communicate with my supervisor. This meant that it was fewer "new" things to get used to. After this first week, the spread of Covid-19 worsened, thus Singapore went into Circuit Breaker. This meant that week 2, Tuesday onwards was fully work from home for 2 months. Which was then extended to 3 months. Basically, all in all, I mainly worked from home and only went to the office for a total of 10 days and out of that, I only had to work 2 full days. 

Most people would think this is a disadvantage and that you will not really get a full experience of the internship. But to be very honest, I prayed real hard for some kind of leeway, either for me to totally be anxiety-free or for great guidance from the Lord. The Lord knew my struggles and heard my prayers. This version of internship was the best scenario for me to learn in, as I could be in the safe environment of my home and learnt a lot with a few new things introduced slowly.  In the beginning, I honestly thought that it was just a coincidence, but I know that the Lord used a bad situation, Covid-19, for a positive and that His plans are truly perfect.

Imperfection

I just watched a Netflix movie called Feel the Beat starring Sofia Carson, Wolfgang Novogratz and Donna Lynne Champlin. Basically, it is about a self-centred dancer who reluctantly returns home and agrees to coach a squad of young misfits for a big competition after blowing a Broadway audition. I wanted to watch this for 2 simple reasons. 1, is that the lead role was played by Sofia Carson. And 2, is that it was a movie about dance. Little did I know that I would take away so much from this movie.

I took away that I do not have to be perfect. In the world of dance and in life, many people around us, be it teachers or parents or friends or even sometimes ourself expects us to be perfect. To produce perfect grades, to look perfect and to just be the best. But the truth is that no one is perfect and our quirks and imperfections make each and every one of us unique. This is something my mother will always try to instil in us since my siblings and I were younger and to be honest, it is a hard thing to remember. Especially in a world where comparison and competition is encouraged. Sometimes it is also hard when you know that you have put in more than 100% in something yet it is considered not perfect. Instead, we should not aim to be perfect or the best of the group but to be the best us. To reach our best and to put in our 100% in whatever we do without putting others down.

Into The Unknown

Most people's greatest fear is the dark or heights or insects or losing a loved one. For me, not so much. Maybe a little bit, but the thing I fear the most is the fear of the unknown... I struggle with loud noises, sudden sounds, new situations, being asked a question. Not because I cannot answer a question or cannot adapt at all, but I do not like the unknown. Loud and sudden noises give me the fright of my life, meeting new people too. 

With a new person, you do not know how they sound like, if they are going to have a different scent. You do not know how they will act, their background, if you can trust them, if they are talking to you cause they pity you, want to bully you or are genuinely nice. These are all unknown. So I have to go into the unknown and find out. But that process means questions and trusting before finding out. So, I rather just stay in my small little bubble where everything is known. 

But life does not work that way... Life requires us to be social and everything we do requires us to interact and discover new things. It takes a lot of courage on my part and a lot of patience of the other person for me to be able to form a bond. It is hard and honestly can be frustrating on both parties part. I do not like having so much anxiety and wished things were different but I am learning to work through this. I have learnt that I have no choice but to walk headfirst into the unknown and try my best to face my fears and fight my anxiety.

The Lord Shows

I usually pick a song to sing and just dwell in the Lord's presence and to set my mind straight. Today, like any other day, I chose a song. The song was Nothing else by Cody Carnes, one of my favourites. Then I went on to do my devotional, and at the last part, there are some words to reflect upon and it said " It is really easy to get bogged down in life and forget how grateful you should be to God. Take time to notice all He does for you. Don't expect His blessings. Thank Him from the depths of your heart.". It felt like God was sending me a personalised message because the song that I just sang goes like this:

I'm caught up in Your presence
I just want to sit here at Your feet
I'm caught up in this holy moment
I never want to leave

Oh, I'm not here for blessings
Jesus, You don't owe me anything
More than anything that You can do
I just want You

I'm sorry when I've just gone through the motions
I'm sorry when I just sang another song
Take me back to where we started
I open up my heart to You

I'm sorry when I've come with my agenda
I'm sorry when I forgot that You're enough
Take me back to where we started
I open up my heart to You

God works in mysterious ways and He has been using songs to reach out to me. It really is amazing and I cannot wait to see what He has planned for me. Thank you Lord!

A New Begining

This blog marks a new beginning in my life. Reading my mothers old blog has shown me that I want to have a place where I can look back on my thoughts, feelings and significant moments down the road. Right now, I am coming 19 soon and I have to decide on a which University I would like to go, having to decide which course and which scholarship, if any, I would like to apply for. This is significant as it paves the road for my future, which job I would do, the people I meet, the experiences in life that I will get. Life, as it is, is never really easy. But life as a person with special needs is full of unexpected scenarios and things that I need to overcome.