Growth

 This morning I really stepped out of my comfort zone with some help from my sister my mom. I have said before that I struggle in new situations so I will always try my best to avoid placing myself in one. However, yesterday, I decided to take a leap of faith and join a beginner/intermediate street jazz workshop. It may not seem like anything much but I have been dreaming of joining such masterclasses and workshops since the start of COVID 19. Because of COVID, many masterclasses and workshops became online, which meant that even though it is taught overseas, I can learn from the very comfort of my home. It also meant learning new styles and more exposure. But the BIG problem would be that I am learning from someone I don't know, with people I don't know, doing a style that I don't know. Sound familiar? Yea, so I waited a whole year to finally pluck up the courage to even think of joining. I asked my mom and she thought it was a good idea but said it was up to me. I asked my sis and she said to just do it. So I applied. 

Let me tell you that I do not regret it one bit. I woke up at 1.30am and enjoyed every bit of it. My dancer's heart was so full last night when I finally went to bed at 4am. I am also super grateful that even though I know that beginner/intermediate level is technically a bit too "easy" for me, it gave me the chance to enjoy myself and not worry. The teacher was so super sweet and the class was small enough for me not to feel conscious. And I really have to thank the Lord for that. Without Him watching over me and providing for my needs, I don't know if I would have survived this morning. So really, the Lord has enabled me to grow and at a pace He knows I can manage.

Goodbye For Now...

 

Today my bunny, Marshie, passed away and I didn't know how to deal with it. She was 9 years and 7 months old, a ripe old age for a bunny, and she had been ill for the last 3 weeks so it shouldn't have been a surprise. But still, when my sister realized something was wrong I was offended and didn't want to believe her. I just pushed it away and said that Marshie was just being naughty as usual when taking her meds. But a few short minutes later she took her last breaths as my mother stroked her. I honestly didn't know what to do with myself or how to feel. I didn't want to look at her knowing that she was no longer there. Instead, I distracted myself with youtube and sewing. Inside I was sad but at the same time, didn't want to believe it. Because if I didn't see it, it wasn't real. I realized that I did the same thing when my grandfather passed away a few years back, I refused to see him in his casket and pretended that everything was just a dream. 

Sometimes, I don't know how I should feel or react, in this situation, especially because I know that they didn't have to suffer anymore and are in a better place. But at the same time, I still want to believe that it didn't happen. I haven't quite gotten the closure that I need but, goodbye for now Marshie. I will see you again.

Pressure

 I always thought that those who were good at anything never had any stress or pressure. Like those who are at the top of the class or the head prefect, those kinds of people. I always thought that those who struggled to do well in their studies or struggled to possess "good qualities" had the most pressure and stress. Because that was where I was since young. I always dreamed of being "smart" or top in something. I always longed to be a student leader. But I could not even cope with spelling the simplest of words. It felt like being "dumb" was the greatest pressure in the world.

But now, I am about to graduate from Polytechnic. I have been doing far better than I could have ever imagined. I am about to be the Gold medalist for my cohort and valedictorian, and I am going to be nominated for the Lee Kuan Yew award. It sounds so great and I am so grateful and honestly so blessed. But, doing well the past 3 years has been the most stressful and pressurizing years. Doing well in year 1.1 and getting a scholarship meant that I had to continue well and honestly, it felt like if my grades dropped in any of the subsequent years, I would disappoint not only my parents but also many lectures. Doing well made me feel like if  I made a single mistake the whole world will be disappointed in me and that I would have failed them. But I did not, I have made it. Managed to get the Gold medal and maintained my GPA and received 2 more scholarships in the process.

But now, once again the pressure has built because I am being counted on to give the valedictorian speech during the graduation ceremony and I don't think that I am going to be able to meet such a high standard. On top of that, I am being nominated for the Lee Kuan Yew award and the school for engineering is counting on the students being nominated to receive such an honour for the school. To be frank, I don't have great interview skills, I don't see how I will be able to receive such a highly prestigious award. I just don't see how I will be good enough, how a girl who couldn't read or spell, an outcast is good enough and I don't want to let anyone down. Especially myself. 

Just yesterday, I wished I knew what it would have been like if I was not top if I was just an average student. Would I have experienced less pressure? The grass always looks greener on the other side.     Honestly, I don't think so. I think where ever you are you will face some sort of stress and pressure. I just need to be less hard on myself and ask "Why did God place me in this situation? Is He trying to teach me something?". I am finding that it is not always easy to not be hard on yourself, but I have learnt that sometimes you have to give yourself some space to grow.